All’s Fair
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The sweat rolled off his bruised and bloody head into his stinging eyes and the metallic taste of blood was strong in his mouth. “Damn theses fucking Americans,’” he swore to himself, “For letting their women fight in combat. This is nothing short of inhumane. When I get out of here…if I get out of here…”
GOD BLESS THE REDNECKS
You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, ‘One nation, under God.’
You might be a redneck if: You’ve never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say ‘ Christmas’ instead of ‘Winter Festival.’
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.
A Gift for my Wife
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Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Being A Woman is Wonderful
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Let’s face it; being a woman is the best gift that life can give you. Pretty women and probably women in general get so many perks in life and especially from straight men. Pretty women walking down the street will make men either in their cars or walking by slow and ogle them and turn around and ask if they want rides or ask them out, and that will be numerous men, not just one lone guy. Even other women check out those women, now that may very well be in a comparison way, seeing if they themselves are more attractive than that women and some may look and think just how stunning that woman is.
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Pretty women can go in a bar, sit down and men will be checking them out and asking if they can buy the pretty women drinks and even the bartender will sometimes give these women free drinks.
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In college the professors will look at and call on the women more, and some will even try to get into that pretty co-ed’s panties.
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A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.
“Good man,” the fairy said, “I’ve been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes , since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children.”
The man told the fairy, “Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.”The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and — PING ! — he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
“What else?” asked the fairy, “Two more to go.” The refugee claimant now got bolder. “I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here” — and — PING ! — in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
“One more wish”, said the fairy, waving her wand.
“Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans” —and — PING ! — The man was transformed – wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
“What happened to my new teeth?” he wailed, “Where is my new house?”
The fairy said: “Tough shit Amigo, Now that you are a White American , you have to fend for yourself.” (God Bless America)
Bite Out of Crime
Around 2:30 AM, Saturday night. I wake up. I knew immediately that something just wasn’t right, Cinnamon wasn’t sleeping beside me on the bed and I couldn’t hear Brutus’s snores/lip smacking from across the room. I inhaled deeply. No, I thought, it wasn’t Brutus’s legendary flatulence that woke me up this time. Bleary eyed, I lift my head to look around the room. Both dogs were standing at attention in front of the closed bedroom door; ears back, hackles up, low growls rolling through the room.
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“Now what?” I sigh as I roll out of bed, slip on my favorite fuzzy pink slippers and drop my cell phone into the pocket of my jammies. With the bedroom door open, ‘the boys’ purposefully and rapidly make their way to the front of the house. I followed a little more cautiously in the dark, listening carefully and peeking around corners. When I caught up with them, the dogs were in the laundry room at the side door, again at attention and on alert. From where I was at I could see through the kitchen window to the driveway, where a dark figure is messing around the side of my car.
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”Fuck,” I thought as I clip a leash onto Brutus’s collar and put Cinnamon in a down position behind me. With my hand on the doorknob, I take a deep breath and throw open the door.
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“Stop! Or I’ll send out the dog!” I yell at the man on the opposite side of my car. He froze and looked up at me startled. For the briefest of moments, his eyes sparkle in the darkness and then he turned and made a run for it.
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“Sic’em, Brutus!” I scream, dropping the leash.
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Unhesitatingly Brutus took off after the intruder like he was Colonel Sander’s himself wearing original recipe pants. When I round the corner leading to the front of the house, I’m met with the following scene; “The Colonel” was face down, spread-eagle in the middle of my front yard with his pants and underwear around his knees. Brutus is behind him, in-between his legs with a mouthful of jeans and boxer shorts, furiously thrashing his head side to side while soon-to-be Mr. Extra Crispy is trying, unsuccessfully, to kick Brutus away.
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“Brutus! Down! Guard!” I yell, grabbing the leash.
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“Get ‘em off me! Get ‘em off me!” the prowler wails
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“Quit moving or you’re gonna get bit!” I cautioned him.
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“Get ‘em off me!”
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“Not until the cops get here!” I told him, “Now stop moving, or you’ll get bit.”
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Dear Hair,
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You and I have been nearly inseparable friends since shortly after birth. You remain perched up there, watching my life from on high, protecting my skull from harmful UV rays and insulating my cranium on cold winter days without so much as a word of complaint. Yet, I must admit to having a love/hate relationship with you.
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First, the love:
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The article is directed at women but gay and bi-sexual men will benefit from it as well.
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Here Ya go………..With the ever increasing population of illegal Messicans , it is even more important to make fun of them (because they are here ILLEGALLY!) Now don’t take me wrong, there are some pretty cool Mexicans but the rest are just plain annoying dirtbags! Now you may call me a racist! I don’t give a flying fuck as mexican jokes aren’t even racist anyway because there are only 3 races of humans. The Mexican just isn’t one of them, they are just a cross breed, kinda like stray mutts. Messican jokes are pretty fucking funny too, so I would like to share them with you. I think this is the good collection of Messican jokes if you have more, feel free to add them!!
A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He says, “Mom, look – I’m a white boy!” His mom slaps him in the face and says, “Go show your father.” He goes to his dad in the living room and says, “Look Dad, I’m a white boy.” His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, “Go show your grandmother.” The boy goes into his grandmother’s room and say, “Mira, Abuelita, I’m a white boy.” His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, “See, did you learn anything from that?” To which the boy replies, “Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you fucking Mexicans!”
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Headhunters. The head of the tribe says to the German, “What do you want on your back for your whipping, If we leave marks we’re going to boil you & eat you!!” The German responds, “I will take oil!” So they put oil on his back, and a large Headhunter whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Headhunters haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, “What do you want on your back?” Think he will outsmart them all, “I will take nothing!” says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch, a little red but not welted yet. “What will you take across your back?” the Headhunters ask the American. He responds calmly, “I’ll take that Mexican on my back please.”
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says ” We’re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive” The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers “God Save The Queen” and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers “Viva La France” and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers “Remember the Alamo” and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
Here’s some pretty good one liners…….